I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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