i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
