I want to walk on stilts...naked
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
