she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
