Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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