come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
