Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
