Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
