When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
