More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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