I accidentally burped into my bong.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
