The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
