One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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