if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
