hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
