do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Randomize
