broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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