I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Houston, we have a blender
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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