There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
