I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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