I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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