can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize