Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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