The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
