And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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