Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
