i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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