We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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