we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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