Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
