I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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