last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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