I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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