I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
