mondays should just be called national damage control day
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
My life is pants optional.
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