How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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