If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
