god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
