I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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