i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize