The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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