Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
if only i could text you this smell
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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