did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
