Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
