I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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