walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize