We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
