come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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