His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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