You just made me feel so damn special
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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