Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
