My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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