Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I can't put those talents on a resume
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
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