did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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