Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize