i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My pussy is not your playground.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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