in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
