this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
