It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
