she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
